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Sometimes the difference between what I am and what I wish to be fadesto a background noise I can almost ignore. Today is not one of thosedays. Today, everywhere I look I'm stabbed by images of womanhood thatprovoke this desperate jealousy. It's a late summer Sunday, the towncentre bustling with shoppers and people out enjoying a stroll in thesunshine. I'm trapped by the window display for a ladies wear chainstore, intent on the latest collection of dresses I long for, but willnever wear. I stare at my watch, tap my foot and look impatient, asthough I am waiting for some fickle female inside to decide what shewants. I live alone though, I always have. I was too tied up inside tosettle down with a woman I would always have seen as a god.A group of teenage girls clutching plastic bags giggle their way out andenvy each one of them; their bad skin and poor make up, their plumpthighs and over-dyed hair, their unconscious feminine grace and beauty,their lives I will never know.I start. I almost shot across the stall. But I managed to aim so I didn’t make a mess.”“That’s too bad,” I said. “I really like your messes.”“I like yours too,” he said. “But I don’t think a random barista would appreciate having to clean that off the walls.”“Maybe a random barista doesn’t know what he’s missing.”“Maybe that’s not who I want taking my loads.”My dick went totally rigid at the thought of taking Chad’s loads in any way, shape or form. Unfortunately that was one more thing I couldn’t do over Skype. I wanted to just snap my fingers and jump forward in time, which was probably the biggest tease of all.Chad and I did get off that night, and we both made a big show of it. But it was hardly a secret that I wanted more. I wanted to make out, I wanted to hold him, and I wanted to get fucked, none of which I could really do at that point. All I could do was count the days till the end of my limbo.In the meantime, I did have other stuff to deal with. Brody in particular was.
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